For the past 2 weeks, I’ve been a happy introvert, minding my own business, doing what I want and feeling quite content and relaxed. I went to the Club without any specific expectations but still hoping to experience a moment of clarity. At first, it was all quite light and straightforward. I had a chat with a few patrons and danced a bit. And then, all of a sudden, I had this random thought – what if the current situation in the world is just too much, what if the Club can’t provide any answers. So far, I’ve definitely felt that way. What would I do if I realized the music, the purification, Hemingway, or even Dionysus, just didn’t have the answers. Will I have to go search for another world? Will the women come with me?
I reminded myself that I made a promise to keep coming to the Club, and was going to keep it. As I was thinking that, the saxophone started to play one of the most virtuousic solos and I fell into a trance. Carried away by the dark disharmony, I heard the women say: “Die, let everything die with you.” I did.
I came round and opened my eyes feeling stronger than ever but completely alone. I could still hear the music playing in the background but I felt distant from it. It was a good moment – I felt strong, independent and ready to set out on a journey (what journey? I didn’t really know), like a true warrior. I guess now is time to be strong.
The music was still playing in the background and I missed being immersed in it and letting myself be carried into depths and heights. But most of all, I felt like this strength I was feeling wasn’t it, it wasn’t my truth. I fell back into the music and let the strength go away too. It was sweet. I woke up in a green meadow, where I’ve already been a few times before. I was alone and free and wild. Is this a new world I need to start exploring in search for the questions I’m asking myself these days? Is this sense of being free on a meadow an answer to my koan? Perhaps strength and sweetness will mean something new in this new world. Will the women join me? And where will I find Dionysus?